When Good Sprite Goes Bad

Any time there is a communal fridge in a workplace, there always is a chance that science -- or a pandemic -- can break out. Monday, the newsroom fridge transformed itself into a laboratory.

Much the way the office has mysterious climate zones that defy all logic (more on this another day), the fridge has quirks that cannot be explained. The crisper drawers are hot spots (ahem) for this activity. There's no need to store vegetables or meats or cheeses in them unless you prefer your sammies and salads on ice.

The flip side of this is that anything left on the shelves is subject to fridge gremlins -- those mysterious beings who slip in when no one is looking and steal away with your lunch, snack or favorite beverage. The gremlins seem confounded by the crispers -- perhaps they can sense the dark forces at work -- so Kim and I have taken to storing our soft drinks, waters and other refreshments there.

Monday, she headed to the fridge with a couple of cans of Buffalo Rock Diet Ginger Ale Southern Spice (more on this another day), planning to retrieve cold ones and replenish the stock.

My phone rang, and the number on the ID was the breakroom's.

"Yes, ma'am?" I said.

"Have you looked in this drawer lately?"

"No. Have we been robbed?"

Chuckling ensued.

"You just need to come back here. This is precious."

She wanted me to get the full impact, so she had restored the scene to the way she found it. When I opened the drawer, I could think of only one thing:

"Eric, can you bring your camera to the kitchen?"

Photographic evidence is the only way to adequately document the devastation. Eric has two photos on his blog, but I'll try to use less than 1,000 words to convey the scene.

At first glance, the drawer looked to be full of crushed ice. But in the front of the drawer lay the eviscerated remains of a Sprite Zero. The random temperature variation apparently caused the contents to freeze, thus expanding the liquid and turning it into ice. The expansion caused the can to erupt. (Science, right?) It was split from the rim all the way to the middle of the bottom. I briefly considered holding onto the can -- until I realized the top edges were a trip to the ER waiting to happen.

Instead, we emptied the drawer, washed off the sticky remains and relocated the remaining cans. I opted not to recycle the remains for fear of inflicting a mortal wound on someone, so I wrapped the can and left it layin' a-corpse in the trash can.

Being a Professional Journalist and Highly Trained Writer, I immediately began to think of ways to retell the discovery in the crisper. I came up with a pop culture (puns abound) reference and dubbed the can a casualty of the cola wars.

Look out, Pepsi. The Sprites are recruiting reinforcements among Kim's supplies. I think the gremlins are laying in stocks of ordnance.

This could get ugly.